


Guilty Pleasure

by anemptymargin



Category: Lord of the Rings RPF
Genre: Multi, Old work, Threesome - M/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-08-28
Updated: 2004-08-28
Packaged: 2017-10-18 11:53:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/188633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anemptymargin/pseuds/anemptymargin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A letter to the one that got left behind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Guilty Pleasure

**Author's Note:**

> Old work presented in it's original and unedited format. All warranties are null and void.

I love you, you know that. I love him too, you also know that. I've been very frank with both of you in the duration of our courtship and subsequent alternative arrangement.

Yeah, you love him too. And... how can he not love you, eh? I mean... when he's not too busy acting so much better than us you have to admit he finds us enchanting. And you... you are the golden boy, eh Frodo?

I mean. You're... like my favorite guilty pleasure Lij. The last cookie; all crumbles held together by raisins at the bottom of the jar. That last or even the first bite of that really really good ice cream Billy hides away in the back of the freezer and yells at me for eating.

Maybe not. I don't know. I guess love's crazy like that, right? Like I've been in Glasgow now 'bout six, maybe seven weeks. And like sometimes I'll look at the phone and wonder if I should just ring you up, see what you're doing now.

Ask if you still remember that your old Dommie's still hanging around... missing you, hoping things are going solid in your big Hollywood life. Like maybe I could call and we could chat about the good old days.

About drunken parties, falling into Billy's hotel room bed all rolled up like the happiest family on Earth.

About all the times we'd go out wearing matching clothes just to see how many people would ask about it somewhere down the line. I've still got your old tee-shirt and Billy's got my hat somewhere in his dusty flat... and I saw a picture on the website last week and I know you're secretly wearing my old torn blue jeans and my favorite color nail polish like some kind of code.

But it's all in my head, I know. I mean you don't really send me secret messages through long lost photographs and nail polish. That's more of the silly fantasy that gets me into trouble.

He knows I think about you, Elijah. We don't... you don't have to hide what's going on from him. I mean, he was there every time the three of us made love. He saw the love between us, you know it as well as I do.

He knows everything, I think. All the secrets I keep locked up in the treasure chest in my head. The faded old pictures you gave me from a photo shoot when you were like ten. Your old wetsuit bleached by the sun and salt water of a hundred surfing adventures, right? The postcards from Amsterdam. Letters I never meant to write or send. Memories, man.

Things that I think about even when I'm not lost off in the corners of my mind... staring at the phone like some retarded git when Billy rounds the corner and asks me if I'm lost.

I guess I am lost sometimes. Lost in the wreckage of what we had. The beauty, everything I ever wanted. I know it isn't gone... it's just takin' a break. Hiatus if you will. Yes, the relationship had been suspended until further notice... so I can figure things out with him first.

We aren't separated. Well, I mean... by that, that is... that we're still together in spirit. Sure, you're off naffing about in LA while I've chosen to spend some quality time with him... but it's not like you're off on Mars or something. We still sometimes make quiet phone calls in the middle of the long rainy afternoons. Or I'll receive some random post with photos and a letter written months ago in your curly little girl script.

But I miss you, man. I miss the warm, tender feelings that always make me so guilty every time I realize I was hiding in my box again... stashing those precious thoughts away from Billy's prying eyes.

Sometimes I'm jealous of him, though. His ability to let you go. I wonder if he thinks the same thing about me. About how I've let myself remain torn between you. Not willing to pick one or the other because if I can't have both then I don't want anything at all.

We talk about it sometimes, me and him. He loves me so much it hurts to think about what I'm doing to him. What he lets me get away with. The indiscretions, the blind eye.

When I curl up around him at night and think that maybe sometimes I can feel your slight frame pressed up behind me. When I think about the softness of your skin where his is rough and unyielding. When I think back to the hunger you always had for me...

I'm in the freezer again then. Like I'd been caught halfway through the last little bit of Chocolate Chunk and he just flipped on the lights.

"I can't stop you. And if I could, I wouldn't." The words free me from... from what, I don't know. But he's willing to give me the world if I want it. Yet somehow it stings to know that he won't fight for me. That maybe his jealousy makes love you both even more. That the thought that my pining over you rips at his seams makes my love for him bubble over.

But I could never decide, Elijah. Please... don't ever ask me to chose. I don't know how many more thoughts and memories and worries I can store away in my treasure box... but I could never give up that last broken cookie in the tin.

**Author's Note:**

> As per usual, I don't own them... they own me. Wait. No. I mean, this never ever happened anywhere but my twisted sad little world.


End file.
